I READ this week that email messages give a revealing insight into your career status and ambition. Apparently the higher up the organisational tree you climb, the more likely you are to send brief messages, littered with basic spelling and grammatical errors. Not surprising, really. You are also more likely to take forever to reply.

Middle management try to show off in email messages, choosing to use lots of big words and complex sentence structures in a bid to appear more important than you really are.

And emails from the plebs – that’s you and me – tend to consist of trivia, jokes and dirty greetings cards.

I much prefer to classify by job type. Read on and learn about who you are in my business version of astrological or star signs.

Marketing – you are ambitious but stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid have to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with sales.

Sales – laziest of all business signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree”. You are also self-centred and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Technology – unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the earth.

Engineering – one of only two signs that actually studied at school. It is said that engineers place 90% of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome”.

Accounting – the only other sign that studied at school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with your extreme organisational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Human Resources – ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip in the place. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.

Management/middle management – catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other middle managers, as everyone in your social circle is a middle manager.

Senior management – see above. Same sign, different title.

Customer service – bright, cheery, positive you are a 50p cab ride from taking your own life. As children you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “customer service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

Consultant – lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organisation in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

Recruiter, head-hunter – as a person that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

Partner, President, CEO – you are brilliant, or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as at the fax machine suggests the latter.

Government worker – paid to take days off, government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of New Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job.

P.S. I received this trivia via email.

So, did I get it right? What do you think?